The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
