Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
