So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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