fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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