When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
