one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
