I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
