he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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