you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
