Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
