Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
