was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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