Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
