Texts From Last Night

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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  there's paper in my vomit.

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  (604): there's paper in my vomit. http://tfl.nu/yer9
  Replies (18) Good night (963) Bad night (3251)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

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  (706): dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you. http://tfl.nu/te9j
  Replies (23) Good night (5975) Bad night (640)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.

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  (803): You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke. http://tfl.nu/qijj
  Replies (37) Good night (1415) Bad night (3397)
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  (626): View more from California

  he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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  (626): he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that?? http://tfl.nu/9sps
  Replies (26) Good night (1473) Bad night (5910)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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  (615): Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span. http://tfl.nu/rd54
  Replies (36) Good night (6756) Bad night (1395)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.

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  (617): Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental. http://tfl.nu/3u9w
  Replies (4) Good night (1038) Bad night (1648)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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  (812): I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking. http://tfl.nu/z4xo
  Replies (8) Good night (4160) Bad night (1201)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.

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  (832): We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life. http://tfl.nu/iqsk
  Replies (5) Good night (902) Bad night (1650)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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  (908): My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this. http://tfl.nu/dlh8
  Replies (10) Good night (2410) Bad night (779)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.

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  (206): Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun. http://tfl.nu/5ck8
  Replies (19) Good night (1779) Bad night (705)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.

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  (425): Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible. http://tfl.nu/qw88
  Replies (4) Good night (1073) Bad night (629)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.

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  (908): I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling. http://tfl.nu/t9ar
  Replies (6) Good night (1296) Bad night (413)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded

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  (608): At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded http://tfl.nu/pkjm
  Replies (2) Good night (1119) Bad night (291)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.

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  (202): I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself. http://tfl.nu/zw8t
  Replies (3) Good night (565) Bad night (307)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..

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  (763): the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night (612): shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore .. http://tfl.nu/1vgv
  Replies (1) Good night (523) Bad night (281)

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