I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying