I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
