Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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