Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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