i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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