I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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