does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
