if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
