nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
