I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
