I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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