I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
