he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
