I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
