mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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