Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
