I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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