Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just found a bag of teeth...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
