I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
