Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
