Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
