totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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