A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
