ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
