Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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