Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
