I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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