guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
