I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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