I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I am naked and annoyed.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
