I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
