Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
