My balls are so social today.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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