Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
