as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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