Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
