awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
