at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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