if only i could text you this smell
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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