We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
