Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
