The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
