i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
